TITLE: A MADNESS CALLED LOVE

AUTHOR: DAVID HEARNE

RATING: PG

CLASSIFICATION: MSR, POST-EP FOR "PAPERCLIP"

SPOILERS: BEYOND THE SEA, LAZARUS, THE ERLENMEYER
FLASK, DUANE BARRY, ONE BREATH, IRRESISTIBLE, ANASAZI,
THE BLESSING WAY, PAPER CLIP. Whew!

ARCHIVE: Anything I post is yours, boy-o.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is the story that probably exposes me for the incredible
cornball I am.

I would also like to comment on the 'mythology.' I tend to like its present
state more than other people, but I think Chris Carter made a mistake once
the story reached its post-"Paperclip" phase. Carter assumed that the
mythology would continue to build up until the series finale with one big,
climatic revelation. However, the 'big secret' has nothing to do with
viruses and the plotting of old men. It has to do with Mulder's realization
that his sister had been sacrificed in his place. In this, "The X-Files"
resembles "Chinatown" in which a larger, political corruption is wrapped
around a more personal crime.

Of course, this is hindsight. And I think a lot of fans assumed that the
story will continue to 'build' to a climax. However, "Paperclip" marked a
time to simplify matters, not to complicate them.

It was also an appropriate time to take the Mulder-Scully relationship in a
new direction. Here's one way it might have been done...

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The dead leave behind more than you can imagine.

Melissa Scully had prided herself on being a wanderer -- someone who
couldn't be attached to any place. For her, movement from one home to
another was as easy as breathing. "I can carry my whole life in a suitcase,"
she asserted.

In reality, her life was heavier than one suitcase. Other dead people leave
their possessions in one location. Hers were scattered all over the country.
Over the next month after her daughter's murder, Margaret Scully would
receive nervous telephone calls from people who has just heard about
Melissa's death. They would offer condolences and sentimental tales of the
woman they had encountered on their own travels. Many of them possessed
items Melissa had left in a van, an apartment or a houseboat. They wondered
if Margaret would wish to have them.

Some of the things she accepted. Those were the items that Melissa had
obviously just lost or the ones that Margaret wanted to hold in her own
hands. She declined to take back the objects which had been  gifts for the
other person. She found herself marveling at how many people her older
daughter had met in her relatively short life. All of them had been touched
by her in one way or another. Her absence seemed to create a thousand holes
in the world.

None of them were bigger than the one in the heart of Dana Scully.

Dana's attendance at the funeral had been brief. After the church service
and burial, she left the reception after only a half-hour. "Mulder and I
need to go somewhere," she explained. Margaret had accepted the apology, but
not Bill Scully. "Who the hell does this Mulder think he is?" he grumbled to
his mother afterwards. "And why is he more important to Dana than..."

Margaret silenced her son with a look. She knew as well as anybody not to
question Dana's feelings for her departed sister. She also knew the feelings
of Fox Mulder for Dana, even if she didn't understand their life together.
What had started as a joke in the family had become something deadly
serious. Dana's partnership with a man who investigated UFO's had lead her
to a danger whose cause was vague but which left blood in its wake.

Margaret's role in this affair was almost insubstantial. She had no say in
where events lead to. She could only pick up the pieces.

One day, Dana came to help her pick up a few.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Crystals...postcards from Sedona...James Millman...Mom, it's like a
cross-section of the spiritual counter-culture."

"I know," Margaret said as she and her daughter worked in her living room.
Brown boxes surrounded them. Investigating them revealed new oddities that
looked very out-of-place in a Catholic house.

Scully said, "To this day, I'm still trying to figure out how Melissa got
involved into this...this sort of thing to begin with,"

"Oh, you knew how Melissa was. She was always a bit unconventional. Can you
say that you were honestly surprised when she started to wear one of these?"
Margaret held up a crystal on a black string.

"Hmm. No, I guess not. I suppose that the one who ended up surprising
everybody was me."

Margaret smiled.

"But I can't believe some of the places this stuff has come from. Even
Tibet."


"It was a good life. Whatever you may think about her beliefs, she took
advantage of what the world had to..."

Margaret saw the somber look on her daughter's face. She stopped taking
inventory of a box and held her daughter's hand until Scully spoke.

"If only she hadn't called me..." she murmured. "If only I hadn't told her
to come over..."

"It's not your fault."

"I was the one who was supposed to have died. And I can't figure out one
reason..."

Margaret drew Scully to her shoulder. She waited for her daughter to cry.
She could just feel the tears welling inside of her.

Scully pushed back her sobs, though. At this moment, she didn't want to feel
weak. She hated herself too much to allow herself that.

Margaret carefully lifted Scully off her shoulder. "I'll be right back," she
said and left the room.

When she returned, she was carrying a book. It was covered in brown leather
with the inscription "OF THESE, THE GREATEST IS LOVE" written in gold
letters.

"What is it?" Scully asked.

"It's Melissa's diary. It covers the last five years or so." Margaret held
it out to Scully. "I think you should read it."

Scully shook her head. "No, Mom. I can't..."

"I haven't read it myself. I don't have to. I know who my oldest daughter
was."

She pressed it into Scully's hands. "Before you blame yourself for anything,
I think you should know, too."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Why her and not me?

Fox Mulder remembered the first time he had spoken that question. It had
been to a man who faced Mulder's gun with cool eyes. The second time had
been to an old, well-dressed man in a glass house clouded with the sweet
smell of flowers.

Now, he was asking it of himself as he looked at the grave of Melissa
Scully.

I should have come to her funeral, he thought. I should have done something
more than send my condolences. I shouldn't have taken Scully away from her
family on another one of my stupid spook-hunts.

And I shouldn't be still holding onto this secret.

Mulder had come to visit Melissa's grave while Scully went to her mother's
house. For this weekend, they needed a little time off from the X-Files.
Whatever they had said to each other about the need for work's security,
they were both very tired.

Maybe too tired.

He remembered when he first started his work on the X-Files. Back then,
there was a certain giddiness in his investigations. The shadow of his
vanished sister had been with him, but he took a joy in his explorations of
the unknown. Sure, it was a joy mixed with a narcisstic,
"go-to-hell-if-you-think-I'm-spooky" attitude, but looking back at that time
showed a Fox Mulder who had found his calling and happy for it in a way.

Why had he been happy? It was the VCU, he thought. All those years under
Patterson, all that time thinking about men who had turned killing into
their private art...I started to think about Samantha in the clutches of
such men. I started to see her in every young female victim. Somehow, it was
more comforting to know Samantha had been taken by something not human.
Better one of them to be guilty than one of us.

But it had involved one of us, hadn't it? In fact, it had been one of the
family. And that person had chosen him over his sister.

Why her and not me, Dad? What makes me so special?

Mulder looked at the distance between his discovery of the X-Files and him
standing over the grave of Melissa Scully. It seemed too far to have gone
for the few truths he had learned. He was exhausted from the effort,
intimidated by all the unanswered questions and drained by the loss.

Most of all, he had enough of being the survivor.

He had enough of watching everyone he loved die.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

'My little baby sister is now officially an FBI agent!
Far freakin' out! Dana Scully is now the Man! Or the
Woman. Or some kind of gender-neutral establishment
figure...'

Scully smiled as she continued to read. It had taken her awhile before she
could open the diary. When she had, she skipped ahead until she came upon
this entry made on the day she was accepted into the FBI.

'I must admit that she looks the part. When I saw her
cross the stage to accept her FBI badge and show it to
the audience, it looked so natural. Even though I've
given her as much support on this journey as any other
member of the family, I've had my doubts. Could Dana
really become an FBI agent? I still think of her as the
little girl who cried after killing a snake. On the other
hand, I also remember the little girl who beat up Harry
Johnson..."

Oh, my goodness, Scully thought. Melissa actually remembered that toad who
used to pick on the neighborhood kids? And her sister's own unique way of
dealing with him?

'On *another* hand, it was always assumed that Dana
would become a doctor. At least, that's what Mom
wanted and what Dad certainly wanted. Mom has been
supportive of Dana, but Dad...well, he hugged her and
congratulated her at the reception, but you can tell that
this isn't what he wanted. He wouldn't actually come
out and say it. Dad hardly ever comes out and says
anything. You know, he's one of those polite yet distant
men who kept their feelings to themselves. He doesn't
have to express his doubts, though. Dana knows. I just
hope those two have a straight conversation about it one
of these days...'

Scully looked out the window of the guest bedroom for a few moments. Then
she returned to reading.

Here was a diary entry written several months later. Melissa had come to
visit her parents.

'I was telling Mom and Dad about all the great spiritual
experiences I had in California. Mom asked some
genuinely interested questions, but Dad just sat there at
the kitchen table with an indulgent smile on his face. You
know, tolerating his goofy daughter. Then, suddenly he
asks --

'"See any UFO's?"

'"Uh, no, Dad. Why do you ask?"

'Dad looked away. He let out one of those quiet sighs that
indicate he's really pissed off about something. "What's going
on?" I ask.

'Mom said, "Dana has been assigned to a new partner."

'"Who?"

'"Fox Mulder."

'"Is that a real name?"

'"I'm not sure if he's even a real FBI agent," Dad muttered.

'"Now, Bill, Dana spoke very highly of him," Mom admonished.

'"What she said exactly is that Mulder was once a top-notch guy
in the VCU. Then he started looking for aliens."

'"Wait a minute," I said. "VCU? Aliens?"

'Dad explained that the VCU is made of agents who specialize
in creating psychological profiles of criminals. "The burn-out
rate is very high among these people," he told me. "I'm
guessing that's what happened to this Mulder character. He's
now involved in something called the X-Files where every
unexplained occurence is blamed on aliens, ghosts, vampires
and I-don't-know-what."

'"Why in the world would they pair up Dana with this guy?" I
asked.

'"I don't know. So, he doesn't go completely nuts and start
shooting people from towers, I guess."

'He rolled his eyes. And I had myself a good laugh.'

She did, indeed. In fact, Melissa had called Scully up that day and said,
"My sister and a ghostbuster -- sounds like a match made in heaven."

'"I warned her that this might happen," Dad said.

'"What do you mean?" Mom asked.

'"Stupid orders," Dad answered. "I didn't want my daughter
have to put up with some idiotic command from her superiors,
which is what you have to do sometimes in places like the
FBI."

'"Or the Navy?" I suggested.

'"Or the Navy," Dad replied without hesitation. "Dana is
just too independent for that kind of nonsense. Sooner or
later, the Bureau will push her too far and it will all blow
up."'

If you only knew, Dad, Scully thought.

'"Really?" I said. "Seems like to me Dana is the type who
prefers working within somebody else's structure."

'"That's what she thinks, too," Dad replied. "But I know
my Starbuck. She does not suffer fools gladly, especially
ones who chase flying saucers."'

Scully placed the diary on her lap. She thought about her father's words. He
was mostly right. She did have a spark of rebelliousness inside of her, one
that even surprised her sometimes. He was wrong about Mulder, however. She
often wished that her father had gotten to know him.

She continued to read. She got to this passage --

'Dad's dead.

'He had a heart attack last night. Mom was with him.

'I find myself thinking of the whole family, but most of all,
I'm thinking of Dana. I don't think she and Dad ever had
that final reconcilation.

'Dad, if you're out there, I'll be trying to communicate
with you. Speak to me. If you have anything to tell Dana,
say it now. Don't let your Starbuck never know how you
feel.'

Scully put aside the diary again. This time, it took longer before she was
able to pick it back up. She came to this later entry.

'It's taken me awhile but I finally got to talk to Dana.
This is the first time I've been able to communicate with
her since the funeral. Back then, she had been quiet and
unwilling to talk.

'I asked her where she had been. Had she been involved
in a case?

'"Yes," she said, then was silent for a long time before
telling me that her partner got shot.

'"You mean, Mulder?"

'"Yes. I almost lost him, too."

'I can't remember anymore of the conversation. We
talked about missing Dad and how Mom was doing,
but all I could think about was the way she spoke
of Mulder in the same terms as our father. I had only
gotten brief bits about Mulder in the past -- little tales
Scully related with equal parts amusement and
exasperation. This, however...this was different.

'She spoke of him as someone very important to her.
Someone who would leave his own hole in her life if
he were to go away.

'I would like to meet Mulder one of these days.'

She eventually did, of course. That was a long time away, though. It
wouldn't be until Scully had reappeared after her abduction. Reading about
her life before the abduction, Scully remembered how she had drifted away
from Melissa during that time. She had been distant from everybody back then
except for Mulder. The X-Files had all but consumed her life as she flew
back and forth across the country in search of one of Mulder's elusive
truths. She realized that she hadn't even thought that much about her
family. She had even forgotten about this conversation with Melissa after
Mulder had gotten shot.

How must she have looked to Melissa back then? Reading the diary showed a
woman watching her sister recede from her into unexplainable territories.
Her bewilderment was only intensified by the lack of contact. The longest
conversation Scully had with Melissa was after her kidnapping by Jack Willis
(or Jack Willis possessed by a ghost, as the case may be.) Even then, the
substance of Scully's commentary on the whole affair can be summed up in
those two words which had begun to drip from her mouth like rain from a
gutter.

"I'm fine."

Yet, Melissa knew there was more to say -- more than Dana Scully wanted to
say. When the X-Files had been closed down, Melissa described her sister's
future accurately.

'It's not over between her and Fox.'

Then came the abduction. Over the period of Scully's disappearance, the tone
of Melissa's diary went from terror to the ache of loss to a sad acceptance
of the worst.

One day, she wrote, "They found Dana. I have to go to her now."

That's when Mulder first met Melissa.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

She had been beautiful and red-haired like Scully, but different. Her tall
body was in a dark, rose-colored dress, a shade that Mulder never expected
to see Scully wear. Nor could he see his partner with a black ribbon around
her throat or with her hair grouped together into a pile of curls on her
head. He most certainly would never picture Scully holding a crystal on a
long string with her eyes closed as if she was anticipating a miracle to
happen.

Not to say that a miracle wasn't needed right then.

She slowly opened her eyes like a woman adjusting to a harsh light. Then she
smiled and said, "I was told not to call you Fox."

Almost from the beginning, she pissed him off.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

'I've never met a man with so much anger inside
of him -- at others and himself. I don't mind his
obvious contempt for my beliefs, but I do mind his
arrogance about Scully. You would think that he's
the only one suffering here. He seems to think that
this is just about him finding the men who did this
to Dana.'

That sounded like Mulder, all right. Yet it wasn't him in his entirety.
Scully knew that. In her comatose state, she had been barely able to hear
the words of anyone, but she had heard Mulder and felt his presence. "I
don't know if my being here helps you...but I'm here."

However, as she read on, she learned about other things she hadn't known.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

He had wanted her to get out. He had wanted her to leave his apartment so he
could have just a taste of blood. He wanted two of these anoymous monsters
to get what was coming to them.

Instead, she prattled about light and darkness. Finally, he had enough and
told her to quit "the harmonic convergence crap."

Then she told him how she really felt.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

'Screw him. Screw the bastard. If he wants to wallow
in his own personal hell, let him. If he puts his own
self-pity above the needs of my sister, then Dana
must have been out of her mind to see anything
worthwhile in him.'

Scully read this entry in shock. Mulder had never told her about this
confrontation with her sister and neither had Melissa. Why did they hide it
from her?

In any case, Mulder had left his apartment that night. Whatever task he had
been preparing himself for, he had abandoned it because Melissa had talked
him out of it. Later on, Mulder had met Melissa a couple of times in
Scully's presence. The two of them had been friendly to each other, their
teasing more playful than hostile. ("Channelled anybody interesting,
lately?" "Yes, Mulder, I just made contact with Bozo the Clown. He wants you
to give his tie back.") Now, Scully realized that it had been more than just
friendliness. Every time they met, they were acknowledging how Melissa
steered him away from the wrong choice.

And, still, there was more to know.

Much more.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

She came to visit him in his apartment. He was sorting through messed-up
shelves, overturned furniture and invaded drawers. He looked up from a heap
of folders as she entered.

"Like it?" he asked. "It's a new look for the place. Sort of early Keith
Moon."

"Who's Keith Moon?"

"What, you don't know?"

"No."

"My God, what kind of proto-hippie are you? Keith Moon was the drummer for
The Who."

"Ah. Well, I never kept up much with the music scene. And I'm not a
proto-hippie."

Mulder smiled. Melissa realized what a great smile he had. It was so
silly-looking, but it was a welcome guest to his grave features.

She moved closer to him. "How are you doing?"

"I'm fine."

Melissa rolled her eyes.

"Whoops. Sorry. I guess I picked up a few habits from your sister."

"Yes, you have."

"Well...I can think of worse people to borrow habits from."

"I suspect you already had one of my sister's habits -- an obsession with
work."

Mulder looked at her and said, "It's up to her whenever she wants to come
back to the Bureau."

"You can give you a little encouragement in the other direction."

Mulder nodded. "I can try, but I don't expect her to listen. Scully needs
the structure of a job. And, besides...the work has become a lot more
personal for her. What I'm looking for and what she is looking for are
becoming entwined."

She hesitated, then asked, "Why would anybody do this to her?"

"I have my own ideas and Scully has hers. Between the two of us, we should
get to the truth."

"I suppose that this isn't very new agey to think, but...I want those
responsible to be skinned alive."

"I'm sure Gaia will forgive you."

They smiled at each other, not talking for a few moments.

Mulder stood up. "You know," he said. "I haven't thanked you yet. For what
you said that night."

"I'm glad to help."

"You're glad now but, at the time, you just seemed angry."

"It's like I said...I expected more out of you."

"Well, you, Scully and your mother are among the few who actually see more
in me." He tilted his head to the side. "What is it about the Scully women
that bring out the best in me?"

She hugged him. It had been a sudden, spontaneous action. She just crossed
the space between them and put her arms around him. He was surprised and
almost pulled away. Then he smiled as he put an arm on her slender back.

"Others can only show you the path," she said, her breath touching his neck.
"Only you can decide to take it."

Mulder sighed. "Thank you, Miss Maclaine."

Melissa pulled her head back, giving him an exasperated look but still
keeping her arms around him. "Do you always have to play the wise-ass?"

"Well, do you always have..."

He cut himself off as he realized that she was looking at his mouth and he
was looking at hers. They remained fixed in their positions for a long time.

Then he lifted his other arm to touch her.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

'We did it because it felt so damn good. It certainly
felt good for me. To have that beautiful body in your
hands and to have those full lips kissing your mouth...
not too many women in this world could resist that.

'More than that, though, I felt his joy. There's always
too much you can read into such encounters, but am I
wrong to think this happened because I showed him
the goodness in his own soul? Is it vanity on my part
to imagine that I could play the light to a man's darkness?

'The answers to these questions are far in the future. Right now, I can only
depend on the look in Mulder's eyes, but there is too much to see there. The
one thing I'm sure of is that he doesn't want Dana to know about us yet. I
agree. How would she feel if she found...'


Scully shut the book. Then she pressed her face against the pillow of her
bed, muffling her sobs.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

They were only able to see each other for short periods of time. His
constant traveling, her schedule and their mutual desire for secrecy only
allowed for late-night meetings in his or her apartment. Those encounters
were used more for sex than for talk. When they did talk, it usually was
about spirituality.

"You're a real oddity, Mulder."

"Says you and almost all of the Bureau."

"I'm not talking about you as an investigator. I'm talking about you as a
spiritual person."

Mulder rolled his eyes. "Oh, boy, here we go."

"I sense this deep spiritual yearning inside of you..."

"No big deal here. We've got a new millennium coming. Every idiot had a
'deep spiritual yearning' in him nowadays."

"Well, the difference with you is that you repress it. Even as you stretch
yourself to look beyond the confines of conventional thinking, you still
harbor this great bitterness that chokes your desire to expand your own
soul."

"I wonder if there's anything good on t.v. right now..."

"We have to come up with a new category for you. Maybe 'New Age Pessimist.'"

"If that's the case, then that sharply distinguishes me from your
relentlessly cheerful crowd."

"And just how does my crowd's desire for a better future annoy you?"

"It annoys me when you ignore the horror of life. It's as if a bunch of
yuppies gathered in the desert and thinking pure thoughts is going to negate
all the genocide and brutality and evil that has made up our history. The
New Agers blather about a 'new evolution' while families get chopped up with
machetes in Rwanda and the homeless freeze to death in the richest nation on
the planet. I spent too much time in the VCU to be ignorant of all that."

"I know about the horror of life, Mulder," Melissa said quietly. "I saw it
when my sister was dying in a hospital bed."

Mulder looked at her, then pulled her closer.

It was the first time that Dana Scully had been mentioned. They never talked
about her or the work she did with Mulder. They never discussed why they
were keeping their affair secret from her.

To themselves, they privately assured that their secrecy was simply to avoid
akwardness. How to explain to Scully that her partner was also her sister's
lover? When the time was right, they would tell her. The time just wasn't
now.

Of course, there were deeper reasons yet to be admitted. Sooner or later,
they had to confront them. How can you avoid your own secrets when you can't
even hide them from other people?

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

At first, he had seen no change in her behavior. After returning from the
weekend with her mother, Scully had been her usual intelligent, efficient,
skeptical self. However, he started to pick up little signals from her -- a
certain look, an occasional hesitancy in conversation, a slight distance
when they sat together. They were small and almost unnoticeable, but they
accumulated into a mystery which began to worry and irritate him.

Maybe it's the fallout from the whole digital tape affair, he thought. Lord
knows that he still hadn't yet fully recovered from it.

Then he realized that it had nothing to do with conspiracies. At least, no
conspiracy so grand as a government cover-up.

It was about him. He didn't come out and ask her what was wrong. That wasn't
their way. Instead, he traced back the signs and hints back to when they
first began.

Then he called up her mother.

"Well, hello, Fox. How are you?"

"I'm...I'm doing well."

The hesitant tone in Mulder's voice sent off an alarm in Margaret Scully's
head. "Is there something wrong?" she asked.

"Well...Scully has been a little...a little distracted ever since she got
back from her weekend with you."

"Oh."

"I don't want to pry..." No, I do want to pry. I want every last secret in
the world to be exposed. Every one of them except my own. "...but was there
anything that might have disturbed her?

"I suppose...if anything could be troubling her...it would have to do with
Melissa's diary."

"A diary?"

"Yes. I gave it to Dana to read."

Mulder closed his eyes. He didn't really catch everything Margaret said to
him afterwards and he just mouthed diplomatic responses to her concerns.
("I'll look after her." "Of course, Mrs. Scully." "Thanks for helping.")
Then he hung up the phone and remained unmoving on his apartment's couch.

He felt like he would never stand up again.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The food tasted indifferent to her mouth. After a few bites, Scully placed
her fork on her dinner plate and just sat with her elbows on the table.

The phone rang three times before she went to answer it.

"Hello?"

"Dana, it's me."

"Oh, hi, mom. What's..."

"Dana, I just got done talking with Fox. He's concerned about you."

"Oh. Well. Mulder is always 'concerned' about me, mom. The question is...how
much?"

"What are you talking about?"

Scully let out a long breath, then said, "Melissa and he were having an
affair."

"I...I didn't know that."

"Neither did I. Not until I read Melissa's diary."

"How does it make you feel?"

"It makes think that they didn't trust me. That I wasn't adult enough to
handle their relationship."

Margaret paused, then asked, "Is that all it makes you feel?"

Scully said nothing.

"Dana?"

She pressed one hand against the wall. She held the receiver away from her
ear.

"Dana, are you still there?"

She stared at her fingers spread out on the wall.

"Dana, talk to me."

She lifted the receiver back to her ear. "I'm here, mom. I just don't know
what to say."

For awhile, there was just the sound of two women breathing.

Then, Margaret asked, "Have you read the whole diary?"

"No. No, I haven't."

"Do it."

"Mom..."

"Do it. And then maybe you'll know what to say."

It took over a hour before Scully could take her mother's advice. She picked
up the diary from where it had been resting on a coffee table, untouched and
unread.

Turning to the page she had last been on, Scully found more of what she had
expected -- breathless descriptions of Melissa's lovemaking with Mulder,
mystic fantasies of a bond between two souls, self-assurances that Dana was
none the wiser. It made Scully queasy. To know about the sex life of her
dead sister and her very alive partner...it made her feel like a voyeur. She
kept reading on, though. She didn't know what she was looking for or what
she was hoping to learn.

Then she came to one particular entry.

It was about Minneapolis.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

'I've just come back from seeing Mulder. I found him
pacing in his apartment. I had the feeling that he was
going to trash the place. He looked at me when I came
in, then he looked away.

'"I've just talked with Dana," I said.

'He nodded.

'"She's still shaken up, but she seems..."

'"Fine?"

'"Well..."

'"She's not fine."

'"Neither are you, I think."

'Mulder kicked his desk. "Calm down, Mulder," I said.
"Don't give into anger. It will only..."

'He pointed his finger at me and said, "Don't start with
the transcendental bullshit. I don't want to hear it."

'"All right. Calm down or I'll break your big stupid
nose."

'He looked at me and I looked straight back at him.

'Then he sat down on the couch. I sat down next to him
and waited for him to speak.

'"She cried in my arms. When we found her and Donnie
Pfaster, she held herself to me and cried like a baby."

'"You expected her to do less?"

'"No, I...I had seen something like this coming. This
whole case had been getting to her from the start. And
then...the worst possible scenario..."

'He looked up at me. "Do you know how we got
involved in this case?"

'"No."

'"A detective thought it was UFO-related and called
us down there. I knew it had been just...just a man
responsible. But I took Scully down there anyway so
I could treat ourselves to..." He closed his eyes. "...a
football game."

'"It wasn't your fault."

'"Maybe not, but I played my role well."

'"What role?"

'"My role in the breaking of Dana Scully."

'"Mulder, Dana is in pain right now. But I know she'll
be able to pull herself through."

'"I would like to believe that. I really would."

'He opened his eyes and said, "I've never met anyone
like your sister. I've known brave people before, but...
she has this strength...I don't know how to describe it."

'"You don't have to," I said with a smile. "I know what
you're talking about."

'"Only now, I wonder if that strength has been drained.
Donnie Pfaster may have been the final straw for her."

'"You think she may quit the FBI?"

'"If she does, I won't blame her in the slightest."

'"Now that I don't believe."

'He gave me a sharp look. "You wouldn't quit the FBI,
right?" I told him.

'"That's different. I don't have anywhere else to go."

'"And you think there's anywhere Dana would rather go?"

'Mulder fell silent again for a long time.

'"Point taken," he finally said. "Maybe my real problem is
that I don't want to see her hurt again."

'"And?"

'"What do you mean, 'And?'"

'I studied this strange, wonderful man for a long time.

'Then I stood up and said, "I have to go."

'"Wait, wait!" he exclaimed. "What did I say?"

'"You didn't say anything. I just have to go."

'"But I need you."

'"No. You don't."

'His neck stiffened and he clenched his hands together.
"This is a hell of a time to tell me we're breaking up," he
muttered.

'"It's the perfect time."

'"Why?"

'I sighed. "You really are a baffling person, you know
that, Mulder? You can tell the whole world to go to hell,
but you can't tell one woman how you feel. That's why
you took me into your bed. So you could avoid telling her."

'He looked down at his hands. "What about you? Just how
did you get involved?"

"'I liked being needed."

'"So, you didn't love me."

'"It was a selfish love. What I'm doing now is out of a
better love for both you and Dana."

'"So now I'm supposed to..."

'"Tell her."

'He cleared his throat and said, "What if she doesn't
feel the same way?"

'"Mulder...could any one person could go through what
Dana has been through simply out of a sense of duty?"

'He had nothing to say. I had nothing more to add. I
kissed him once on the forehead and left.

'Of course, I cried. And I have my doubts. What if I'm
wrong? What if our love was not a mutual lie we
created?

'But now I think of Dana. Maybe Mulder is right. Maybe
her strength is fading away. She needs Mulder to get it
back just as he will need her to pull him through whatever
darkness that lies ahead.

'Dana, Fox...I don't know why these fears grip your hearts,
but please shake them free. The light you need is standing
right next to you. Look at it before you succumb to the
shadows.'

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Mulder was still sitting on the couch when he heard the knocking. He ignored
it.

Then he heard a key being inserted in the lock. He kept his eyes closed.
They were closed even as footsteps made their way into the living room and
he felt eyes gazing upon him.

Silence.

Then she spoke --

"I'm not sure I will ever understand you, Mulder. I've seen your courage and
your dedication, but I've also seen your pettiness and your narcissism. I've
never met someone so willing to flirt with self-destruction for the sake of
the vaguest hope. You lived with shadows so long that you can't imagine life
any other way. How you are able to change this darkness into light is beyond
my comprehension.

"But what I will never understand...is why you never told me."

She was waiting for his answer. He had no choice but to give her one.

"We didn't how you would react. Knowing that she and..."

"I'm not talking about you and Melissa."

He opened his eyes and looked into hers. She was standing at the far end of
the room yet the yearning in her face was as clear as the moon in the sky.

"Why didn't you tell me?" she asked. "Didn't you know that I've been waiting
so long to hear it?"

They looked at each other as the other was a flame which would vanish at the
slightest movement.

The smiles came to their lips almost against their own will. He stood up and
walked towards her. She met him halfway.

When they kissed, it felt like it would never stop.

In a way, it didn't.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

This was the last journal entry Melissa ever made --

'Dana is going to have a session with Doctor Pomerantz. I
have the feeling she may encounter something that she
doesn't want to face.

'In the same way, I feel like she's running away from her
hope. She's convincing herself that Mulder is dead.

'I refuse to believe that. Over the past months, I've
come to feel more and more that they share a bond
stronger than evil. Stronger than death. Stronger than
the void that represents the absence of hope.

'I remember Mulder telling me that hope makes no
sense by itself in an insane world. I feel that it's the
insanity of this world which makes hope so powerful.
In a reality which can hold so much madness, it's the
madness called love that's stronger than all.'

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX